Living on approval

This article was adapted from a talk entitled ‘A Christian Man Gives Spiritual Leadership’, delivered at a Katoomba Men's Convention.

Some men spend their lives waiting for the approval of their fathers, or trying to walk in their footsteps. But perhaps we need to learn the lesson that the Pharisees never learnt: to be satisfied with the approval of our Father in heaven.

Who'd want to be a Pharisee? It seems that whenever they pop up in the Gospels it's in order to show us how not to behave. They are the foil, the counterpoint to Jesus and all that he taught and came to do. They are object lessons in reverse.

This is no more true than in the Sermon on the Mount. As Jesus teaches about living in his kingdom, it becomes very clear that the Pharisees have got things seriously wrong. For one thing, their good deeds and ‘righteousness’, while very impressive by all accounts, were simply not up to scratch. There was a problem with the whole way they went about things, and it lay in their heart, in their motives.

Jesus gives a striking example of this in the first four verses of Matthew 6:

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Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honoured by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (Matt 6:1-4).

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The Pharisees' basic problem was this: they just weren't satisfied with the approval of their heavenly Father. They craved the approval of other people. They did their righteous deeds for an earthly reward—to be applauded by those standing by.

How can we avoid this terrible mistake? How can we know that we are satisfied with God's approval? It is quite simple—we must do our acts of righteousness in secret. The principle is very straightforward, and Jesus cites three examples —giving, prayer and fasting. In each case, secrecy is the key.

Secrets aren't always a good idea. Sometimes they keep family sins hidden, or they keep families together not out of love but out of fear. But in the case of righteousness, secrets are a great idea. As someone else once put it: secrecy safeguards sincerity. Secret righteousness demonstrates that our motives are pure, that we are doing this good thing for God to see, and him alone. Motives matter to God. He not only wants us to do the right thing, he wants us to do it for the right reason. And the reason is to seek his favour, his approval, his attention.

We all know what attention-seeking behaviour is like. You've seen the child at a shopping centre throw a temper tantrum. In fact, you may have seen a father at a shopping-centre throw the same temper tantrum—I ought to know; I've done a few myself. However, God doesn't mind attention-seeking behaviour, so long as it is his attention that we are seeking. He is happy to give it. It thrills him when we do things just for him. It is as if our Father is saying to us (not unlike our wives), “I want you to do it just for me”. If you do what you do for the applause of people, then you better enjoy it because that's all the reward you're going to get.

Doing the right thing is not easy. Giving money, praying, fasting (especially fasting in my case)—these are very hard things to do. They take effort and self-discipline. Jesus is saying: “Don't squander this effort on a quick return. Don't blow all your hard work for a very short-term gain. If you invest in other people's praise, it lasts for just a second, like a quick fix for a junkie. If you invest in God's praise, it will last for eternity.”

This is a theme that runs throughout the Sermon on the Mount—invest in heaven, store up treasure for eternity, where moth and rust cannot destroy. But we have to wait for it. We see it by faith, not with our eyes.

I used to think that the ‘reward’ was a bigger room in heaven, or being closer up the front to the presence of God. But note how Jesus puts it in Matthew 25:21 when he is commending the good and faithful servant. He says to him, “Come and share your master's happiness!”.

Pleasing God is its own reward. It's a very relational thing. “Come and share your master's happiness.” It may be more than that. But it can't be better than that. It's about pleasing God, and sharing his happiness. At Jesus' baptism, God tears apart the heavens and declares, “This is my son in whom I am well-pleased”. The wonder of the gospel is that he now says the same to us: “You are my son, and I am pleased with you no end”. It is our privilege to put a smile on the face of the God whom we'll be staring at for all eternity. As someone else put it, “God is hard to satisfy but easy to please”. He is hard to satisfy—nothing less than the death of his son would satisfy him. But he is easy to please—a broken and contrite heart will do him any day.

The point that Jesus is making in these verses is simple. But it has implications that flow over into all corners of our Christian lives. Learning to be satisfied with the approval of our heavenly Father sets us free to serve him in all sorts of ways.

Will you keep on doing your acts of righteousness when there is no applause, when you are taken for granted, when there is no ‘thank you’? Will you keep on doing it, knowing that your unseen Father is watching and will reward you?

Will you keep leading your families in prayer when your kids don't really like doing it, and your wife just seems to tolerate it? Will you lead in godliness when you feel disrespected? Many of us have made the ‘mistake’ of marrying up—we have wives that are smarter, more articulate, more organized, more verbal. They run rings around us. It is easy to feel intimidated taking the initiative spiritually with your wife, to lead her in prayer, to be the man of God. Do it anyway. God is saying, “Whether you get the pat on the back—whether your kids think you're a legend or not—keep on doing it because I'm watching and it thrills me to bits to see you lead your family in prayer and studying of the Scriptures”.

It seems that the only time you really know your motives is when you're not appreciated. Only when your good deeds are done in secret can you be sure that it is only God's approval that you are seeking. So next time you feel unappreciated or taken for granted, think positively about it. Say to yourself, “Beauty! Now I know what my motive is going to be”.

How different this is from the plaques that adorn so many of our churches. “This pew was donated to St Cyril's by the Bloggs family”. “This lectern was a gift from the Jones family” We should go around and stamp on every one of those plaques: “Reward paid in full”, “Reward paid in full”.

Make it your aim to be satisfied with God's approval. Our Father sees, and he will reward you. He is taking note.

This is where men can really be men. If you're in a bad marriage, and you feel like you're bearing the load without much appreciation, and you always feel like you're the one who has to apologise first, then ask yourself: “Am I prepared to be satisfied with the fact that God sees and will reward me?”. If you're involved in a ministry at church, but you're not a high-flier; if you do something that is kind of taken for granted—you feel taken for granted—then ask yourself: “Am I satisfied with the knowledge that God sees, has taken note, and will reward me?”. You might be doing it tough at work, and won't lie and play the game like everyone else, and the boss tolerates you—but everyone is getting promoted around you at your honest expense. Ask the question: “Are you satisfied with God seeing it from heaven, and being pleased?”.

Without understanding this, it's not that we won't lead our families. We won't lead an ant. This is the key to being godly at work, in the family, and at church. If we fail to grasp this, we will buckle under criticism on one hand, or sheer lack of encouragement on the other.

All leadership is lonely. I don't just mean pastoring a church. I mean any time you take a godly initiative as a man. I love it when I get encouraged, but most of the time it will just be between me and my Father in heaven.

Learn the lesson that the Pharisees didn't learn: learn to be satisfied with the approval of your Father in heaven.