Revelation and recovery: A wife’s story

I knew practically nothing about homosexuality when my husband of 10 years told me the shocking truth that he would prefer tobe in a relationship with a man. He hadn't ‘acted out’ or been unfaithful to me in practice but I wasn't what he wanted. I felt like the poor consolation prize. Due to his Christian values he knew he wasn't permitted what he really wanted, a gay relationship, so I was better than nothing. Prior to this, I had believed we were happily married. However, my husband was just acting the role of the devoted husband. It was a façade to hide the truth. His Christian life was also almost a sham. He went through the motions of being a committed Christian but in reality he was practically spiritually dead.

I had to learn about homosexuality the hard way, as someone who has been devastated by it. I don't claim to be an expert on this topic. Although my husband's revelation occurred nearly two years ago, most of my energy has been spent on grieving and trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I also don't claim to be objective. I'm far too involved for that. However, I am confident that I now know far more about homosexuality than the average churchgoer.

Ignorance can be, and often is, harmful. Ignorance causes many Christians who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction to suffer in despair and silence instead of seeking help. Then when some seek help they are given incorrect and damaging advice due to ignorance.

Ignorance leads Christians to condemn without compassion. Ignorance means that those, like me, who have been hurt by someone else's homosexual struggle, aren't equipped to deal with the problem and don't know where to turn. There is so much shame, embarrassment and misunderstanding surrounding this issue that many suffer completely alone.

To assist in removing some of this ignorance, I would like to dispel some of the myths about homosexuality that abound in our Christian community. I should make it clear that this article only focuses on males with same-sex attraction, not females struggling with these issues.

Myth #1: Gays are born not made

Gays are made, not born. Despite what the media would like us to believe, there is no proof of a link between genes or hormones and homosexual orientation. Neither do homosexuals choose to be attracted to the same sex. They become that way inclined largely due to the sins of others, in most cases.

The histories of most homosexual men are amazingly similar. There is usually an emotionally distant, harsh or physically absent father. The little boy never feels loved and accepted by his father and often grows up hating his father or feeling indifferent towards him. Sometimes, the mother also contributes to the problem. She may be emotionally dependent on her son (particularly if the husband is not providing for her emotional needs). The little boy develops an unhealthy affinity with his mother and identifies with her more than with his father. He may know his mother wanted a daughter and so he unconsciously assumes that role. His parents do usually love him, but he may be oversensitive to the imperfections in the family relationships. (Remember, of course, that I am speaking generally and this may not fit with every situation).

In early adolescence (or even before) there is usually sexual contact with a male. Normally the boy is the victim of abuse by an older teenage ‘friend’ or a man he knows and trusts. So the boy's first sexual experience is with a male.

The boy takes into adulthood unresolved hurts and unmet needs. His need for same-sex love and approval is normal and natural, but these needs were not met at the critical time. This hunger for male love becomes transmuted into sexual attraction.

Myth #2: Marriage is the solution

Wrong, wrong, wrong! I'm sorry, but this myth is too close to home for me to be anything but emphatic about it. And this is not just my personal experience. Since the foundation of the problem is a need for same-sex love that wasn't provided in the critical growing years, opposite sex love does not cure the problem. For a couple of years, the husband may genuinely believe he is cured as his ‘in-love’ feelings overshadow all else. However, after this honeymoon, the husband finds himself back at square one. He may even struggle worse than ever before, as the pressures of financial and family responsibility cause him to seek relief. Many homosexual men confess to their wives after about 10 years of marriage. Many act out their homosexuality for the first time in their lives after they marry.

When my husband was around 20 years old, he was so desperate and depressed that he overcame his shame and told his minister his problem. His minister then referred him to the local Christian psychologist. This professional psychologist told my husband that he needed to find a girlfriend. He was told that things would sort themselves out once he was in a heterosexual relationship. Such misguided advice has had serious consequences. As well as many more years of unnecessary struggling in silence, there are now other lives at stake. My life and the lives of our children are now directly affected by my husband's choices. It would have been so much easier for him, and far less painful for me, if he had dealt with his homosexuality as a young single. He needs time to work on his issues, but with a busy job, a wife and children, and a house to maintain, when does he have the time?

Myth #3: If you don't practise, you aren't really homosexual

Some people think that a person is only homosexual if they live the actively homosexual life. The argument goes like this: If I want to ski that doesn't make me a skier. I would only call myself a skier if I actually skied. However, to be consistent with this argument, you would have to say that heterosexuals are only heterosexuals if they are sexually active. These words describe sexual orientation and feeling. Heterosexual means attracted to the opposite sex and homosexual means attracted to the same sex, whether practicing or not.

Some of those involved in ministry to men with unwanted same-sex attraction are reluctant to use the word homosexual as they believe it is an unhelpful label which implies much more than just sexual orientation. I am not disagreeing with that approach. However, I think it is dangerous and incorrect to draw a black and white distinction between orientation and action. For example, a young man goes to his minister for help because he is struggling with homosexual feelings, although he has never been sexually active. If the minister believes the first argument he may reassure the man that as long as he doesn't sin he doesn't really have a problem. After all, we are all tempted in different ways and this is just his particular temptation. The minister does not take the problem seriously, the young man is not given help and he continues in despair.

Myth #4: Homosexuality is just like any other sin

In one sense, of course, this is right. Homosexual sin is no worse than any other sin in God's eyes. God hates all sin. However, homosexuality is different to your everyday, run-of-the-mill sin because it is so consuming. It is more like alcoholism. It is destructive slavery which affects every aspect of a man's life. It robs a man of his masculine identity and self esteem. It robs him of close, supportive, normal male friendships. It robs him of normal feelings and attractions to women. It destroys a man's relationship with God. It makes his life a perpetual battle and he feels he is always defeated.

Myth #5: You would know if you lived with a homosexual

Homosexual men in Christian circles live the double life. They may be involved with and apparently committed to church, but they are really a slave to this sin. They have perfected the art of hiding their secret through a lifetime of practice. Usually parents, and even wives, have no idea their loved one has such feelings. That's why the revelation is usually such an enormous shock.

The Road to Recovery

Since homosexual men are made not born, they can be remade. However, it is a long, slow, difficult process for most men. It involves undoing a lifetime of attitudes and replacing them with new ones. For some it involves breaking a very real addiction to sin. Since a lack of appropriate same-sex love and approval is the core of the problem, this is where much of the change has to occur. Men trying to escape from homosexual feelings need to develop close, normal male friendships to provide what they have needed all their lives. They need to grow in confidence that they can relate to the average man and that they will be accepted, not rejected. These men usually need to address their attitudes and feelings to their fathers. They need to change the way they view themselves and become more confident of their masculine identity. Healing also involves disclosure. Sin thrives in the darkness of secrecy but has trouble surviving the light of truth and confession. Men with unwanted homosexual feelings need to learn to be more open, honest and accountable. Counsellors and support groups are important for this process.

What I have given is a simplified picture of complex issues. Hopefully, though, it provides a basic sketch of the road to recovery.

Compassion

Understanding the cause of homosexuality should lead us to deep compassion for these men. I must say now, though, that this is the part I feel least qualified to comment on. I have taken my husband's homosexuality so personally, as a direct rejection of me, that I still find it somewhat difficult to try to look objectively at what my husband is experiencing. So I won't pretend to understand what it is like to be struggling with homosexuality.

Those affected, like my husband, describe their struggle as living in a private hell. It's like being desperately thirsty but not being allowed to drink. It's also similar to an alcoholic trying to give up his alcohol. There's the constant fighting within yourself, the constant feeling of failure, the constant guilt, the feeling of being powerless to change, and the constant despair.

It affects the man's relationship with God. He might feel the fight is useless and gives in. Feelings of deep guilt may make a close relationship with God almost impossible. Or he may be angry with God for not answering his prayer to take this struggle away.

Homosexual men definitely aren't ‘gay’ individuals. They have carried their childhood wounds and needs into adulthood, and normally have low self-esteem. As Christians we need to have compassion for these people and offer our acceptance, whilst not condoning their lifestyle.

Conclusions

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1. If you are a Christian man who has unwanted homosexual feelings, seek help now. You don't have to be the slave of this sin all your life. There is hope. You can change, but only with professional help (see the foot of this article for details of a counselling service).
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2. If you have a loved one who is homosexual, you probably need help too. There is so much embarrassment and misunderstanding about this issue that the average person may not know how to deal with your situation. You need specialised help from people who really understand. They can support you.
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3. Young women, do not marry a man with any history of homosexual involvement or feelings unless he has first had long-term professional help and has changed his orientation. You can't cure him.
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4. If you do not fall into one of the above categories:_
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   • Become informed. You can have someone from an organisation such as Liberty (see below) come and speak at your church. Liberty will give you an honest, compassionate and Christ-centred view of homosexual issues. They can also provide some excellent brochures, books and videos.
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   • Be compassionate and supportive of those fellow believers who struggle with homosexual feelings. The homosexual desperately needs ‘straight’ friends, so instead of retreating, support him. Just be a genuine friend and show your concern.
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   • Be compassionate and supportive of those who have been hurt by someone else's homosexuality. These people will probably be grieving. They may also feel very angry and/or very guilty. They need comfort, support and a shoulder to cry on. Their pain may be great.
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Postscript

It seems appropriate to have a postscript from the victim/villain of this story: the husband. I could add many more myths to the ones my wife has listed, all learnt by painful experience: “I can do this by myself (no-one needs to know)”, “I can do this without a close relationship with God”, “I will be happy if I get what I really want”. None of these things could be further from the truth. We aren't responsible for what we experienced as children but we are responsible to make the best of what we have as Christian adults. The last 2 years have been enormously painful for my wife and I. My wife has forgiven me for the incalculable hurt I have caused her and those hurts are healing. She is recovering and growing personally through this (her own words). I am committed to change. I know now that homosexuality is a symptom of deeper unresolved issues and does not have to be a permanent condition. I am painfully remaking myself with God's help and learning to be the man God always wanted me to be. That journey is far from complete but I am well on the way. Some days are hard work but I am happier now than I have been in a very long time.

Who can help?

Liberty Christian Ministries Inc. is an interdenominational Christian organisation set up to provide education and support to the many Christian men and women who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction.

Liberty is a resource for the churches to equip them to understand homosexuality from a Christian perspective and thus be able to assist the men and women in their congregations who struggle in this area. They also support the wives, parents and friends of those who are dealing with either unwanted same sex attraction or who have embraced a gay identity.

They are not funded by any denomination and would value both your prayers and financial support. For more information phone them on 02 9798 4685 or write to them at PO Box 67 Summer Hill 2130.

If you would like Liberty to speak at your church they would be happy to do so. For more information about a presentation for your church contact them at the above telephone number.