I now pronounce you more mature in Christ

I want to let you in on a little secret that exists among Christian pastors. We don’t like premarital counselling.

I realize that’s a pretty broad statement, and it doesn’t apply in every situation to every pastor. I’m sure there are ministers out there who find much fulfilment in the seemingly endless sessions covering chore allocation, in-laws, active listening, and the other topics given to us in those wonderful premarital counselling workbooks. But most of the pastors I know would much rather preach a funeral than perform a wedding.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important for couples to communicate well, write a budget, and handle challenging family dynamics. However, I’ve come to realize that premarital counselling can be much more than an exercise in pragmatics and ceremony planning: it can be a very fruitful disciple-making endeavour. Here are few ideas to remember during those necessary but sometimes challenging premarital sessions.

1. Embrace the invitation to influence

I realize it’s an assumed part of the process, but really take advantage of the fact that the couple before you is submitting themselves in some way to some form of pastoral influence. They’re sitting in your office. They’re meeting you at the coffee shop. So at the very least, premarital counselling is the opportunity to be with people, which is a fundamental element to making Christian disciples. Don’t overlook this reality; embrace the invitation to influence.

2. Don’t assume every person who says they want a ‘Christian’ wedding is actually a Christian

I’m a pretty optimistic person. If you pair that optimism with the excitement and anticipation that often accompanies a wedding, I’m all smiles. However, I’ve found that it’s helpful to establish a baseline of Christian conversion with couples. This gets you talking about the essence and purpose of marriage even before you start talking about the function and practice of marriage.

3. Saturate your sessions with the gospel

I remember a couple from a few years back who originally presented themselves as a ‘Christian couple’. However, after talking through the fullness of the gospel, what it really means to be and live as a Christian, the gentleman candidly admitted that he probably wasn’t a Christian. This opened the door to additional conversation, which ultimately led to the man placing his faith in Christ. I know it doesn’t always happen like this (at least, not to me), but these premarital sessions are platforms for gospel proclamation.

4. Look at the ceremony as an evangelistic opportunity

Many of my pastor friends would rather preach a funeral than perform a wedding because the audience is more receptive. Fair enough. But our call as Christian ministers (and Christians in general) is to plant and water the seed of God’s powerful word. It’s likely that a percentage of the attendees at the ceremony are not Christians, maybe even a high percentage. So design your sermon with an evangelistic trust, and deliver the word of the gospel with all the joy and enthusiasm that a wedding merits.

5. Incorporate community into the premarital process

If discipleship happens when people meet together around God’s word, then we need to be facilitators of bringing people together. One of the things my wife and I love to do is invite couples into our home for a session or two. Not only does this break up the scenery of church offices and coffee shops, it makes the experience more personal. A hot meal doesn’t hurt either! Another way to incorporate community is to meet with couples in groups. This helps to facilitate horizontal conversations between couples and potentially forges new relationships that will continue the disciple-making process long after the reception music fades.

Premarital counselling can be more than designing a slick ceremony. So pronounce more than the bride and groom. Pronounce your premarital sessions as opportunities to make and grow disciples of the Lord Jesus.