Who needs to change?

There’s a classic story about a parent separating two fighting children. Trying to get to the bottom of things, they ask: “So what’s the problem?” Utterly incensed, one child blurts out, “It all started when Jimmy hit me back!”

A married couple sit tensely in a counsellor’s office. Each catalogues the numerous shortcomings of their spouse and the resulting damage to their relationship. To the counsellor it is blatantly apparent that the problems are not the sole fault of one of the parties, but it may take them a very long time to see that.

The problem is never with us. It’s always the other person who needs to change, or so we think. 

What about evangelism? Do you ever find yourself getting a bit sick and tired of the same-old same-old evangelistic encounters with non-believers? Have you explained the good news clearly, illustrated it with positive changes to your life, given reasons to believe the faith, and highlighted the numerous philosophical questions it effectively addresses... to receive one of these responses?

Boredom: “Yeah... that’s nice”, uttered while our conversation partner is transfixed by an interesting piece of fluff on the ground in the corner on the far side of the room. 

Deflection: “Well, what about the Crusades?” they say, or perhaps some other trite response that they think is a real deal-breaker but which you’ve heard a thousand times before. And when you patiently address the concern which they have raised, they’re not actually interested in the answer!

Antagonism: “Ýeah, well, what about how the church hates women and homosexuals and is intolerant and imposes its beliefs in schools and the Lord’s Prayer in cinemas and why wouldn’t they baptize my brother’s kids or marry my aunt in a special service she wanted held in a submarine?”

Over time these things can get to you. We can respond by getting frustrated: Why can’t they just change? What is their problem!? We can respond by becoming disengaged: If they are not interested in Jesus, so be it! They’ll reap what they sow.

One problem with developing these sorts of attitudes is that they further obscure the gospel. For example, how do you think they impact the way our message is heard by non-believers? Remember, this may be the non-believer whose main view of the Christian faith comes from the media which presents us believers as being anti-homosexuals, anti-women, anti-abortion, anti-stem cell research, anti-fun, but pro-child-molestation cover-ups. It may also be the non-believer who sees Christian bumper stickers or church signs with winsome slogans like: “I’ve read the final chapter: GOD WINS”, “CHRISTIAN and proud of it”, or “Choose the bread of life or you’re toast”.

Within this context, do you think our frustrated or disengaged attitude conveys the truth that God is a God of love, of grace, who died for sinners, and who offers forgiveness? Will our non-believing family member or friend go away from their encounter with us thinking “I don’t I believe what they said, but they were kind and genuinely concerned for me; I can see that this Christianity has a lot of appeal”?

When we feel tired, discouraged and frustrated (we all do at times), it is so easy to move far from the attitude of Jesus. How does our mind-set compare with the following?

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Matt 9:36)

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!” (Luke 13:34) 

Perhaps the problem is not just with them—it may also be with us. Perhaps they are not the only ones that need to change—maybe we do, too. It might be that we need not only to pray for others—we may need to pray for ourselves as well. Remember: were it not for the grace of God, we too would be as bored or deflective or antagonistic as the next person.

In Randy Newman’s stimulating book Questioning Evangelism, he suggests praying along the following lines to our heavenly Father:

I don’t care about people the way I should. I have a cold heart. Please make me more like You—caring, compassionate, gracious, and abounding in mercy. Give me as great a longing to see Your work in people around me as I long for it within me. I need You to work because I cannot manufacture this kind of compassion by myself. (p. 222)