Doing life with your gay Christian friend

I have a friend who is Christian. And gay. She has chosen obedience to God, knowing she will probably struggle with this all her life. Her story has deeply impacted my life and my walk with Jesus in many ways, but one thing she said stands out.

During a trip to McDonalds, or Krispy Kreme, or some other palace of deliciousness, I asked her, partly in despair on her behalf and partly in wonder, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to be gay?”

“Of course it would be easier,” she said, “But once you know the truth…”

And there it was. She didn’t even finish the sentence, but the significance of it was not lost on me. If we know the truth, it changes everything. Obedience, gratitude, awe of God and the knowledge of Jesus’ incredible sacrifice trumps everything else.

My friend is a great support to me. But how do I support my friend? I don’t want her to have to struggle. I don’t want her whole Christian walk to be about this. But can I do anything to help?

It’s hard to talk about this in the current climate. Everyone has a side. Politics and free speech get involved. The conversation quickly becomes not about the life of one person but a band wagon for this or that. It all becomes hijacked by things that are important, but not necessarily helpful.

We can’t hold seminars because people wouldn’t go—what if someone saw them? Then they’d have to deal with people staring at them, assuming things about them. It could mean that church doesn’t feel like a safe emotional space for them. My friend has chosen singleness and celibacy, which can be tough physically and emotionally whatever your situation. I don’t want gathering with her church family to be made more difficult for my friend, feeling that people’s eyes are on her and not on Jesus.

I think it helps to acknowledge the trials. “The struggle is real”, as the saying goes. There are gay people in our churches, there are bisexual people in our churches, and people who have, or have had, same-sex attractions. Beyond all the political sabre-rattling playing out in the media, there are people within our flocks that need to be supported and loved and shepherded along with everyone else.

I want to help my friend keep ‘course correcting’—just like we all must—without her whole life being reduced to one issue. That means staying close and reading the Bible together, praying with each other and surrounding her with godly, loving and supportive people. It means sometimes talking about it and praying about it, but also knowing we don’t have to talk about that all the time. It doesn’t mean a naïve “pray it away” or “focus on Jesus to avoid thinking about it”—but it does mean praying for help, praying for support and focusing on Jesus to remember where a person’s value and worth comes from. We are children of God. We—broken and fragile that we are—are children of God. That truth is so profound that it makes the heart swell. We can be worthy of that even in our brokenness, and in him our brokenness is made perfect.

I want my friend to know how clearly she is glorifying God in the midst of her struggle. I know from her perspective it must feel like she is failing; from my perspective, I see someone struggling and yet making the harder choice. I see someone being told constantly that they should be true to themselves, live how they want, answer to no-one—and living counter-culturally to that. I suppose the irony is that my friend is being true to herself, and is living how she wants to. The difference is that she answers to God—not a capricious and punitive God, but a God who she knows loves her so deeply that he sacrificed something none of us could possibly countenance sacrificing.

I find her choices rebuking to me personally (in a good way!). It puts in perspective the things I struggle with and how poor I am at glorifying God in how I choose to respond those things. When I struggle with perennial tiredness, parenting anxiety, relationship struggles, work, domestic cleanliness… the list goes on… I know the truth, so am I making God-honouring decisions in how I respond to these? Is my obedience and gratitude over-riding my self-interest?

So I pray for my heart and my attitude, and I pray for my friend. I pray that God would ease her burden. I pray Jesus would show her where her true value lies. I pray that people wouldn’t judge. I pray that her singleness and celibacy are gifts, and I pray she sees how inspiring her choice to trust in the truth is.