The pastor and the evangelical priority list

God first, then wife, then children and then your church: that's how a pastor should structure his priorities, right? Simon Flinders explains why he disagrees.

I've often heard people say that the pastor's ‘first congregation’ should be his family. That's a catchy way of articulating the kind of priority list they think pastors ought to have: God first, then wife, then kids, then the congregation. Furthermore, it seems to me that this is a commonly accepted way that evangelicals have come to think about the relationship between family and church—at least in my part of the world.

But I have to admit, I'm not convinced that this is the right way to think. I'm not convinced for a few reasons. Firstly, it's because of my experience: it seems to me that this priority list is an accepted part of evangelical rhetoric more than it's an accepted part of evangelical practice! I don't know too many pastors (if any) who actually live consistently with these kind of priorities (although there may be good reasons for that).

This brings me to my second reason: I'm just not sure it's workable. Is it really practical for a pastor of a congregation of God's people to place consistently the needs of his family above the needs of his church? Is being a ‘pastor’ the sort of job where this priority list is even possible? My sneaking suspicion is that the list oversimplifies life.

Of course, neither of my first two reasons for being unconvinced are all that compelling if the ‘evangelical priority list’ is actually consistent with the will of God. Whether or not people really live it out and whether or not it's practical, if God has said it's what we should do, my other questions are irrelevant. So that brings me to my third and far more significant reason for not being convinced: I'm just not sure you can find this list in the Bible.

What I want to do in this short article is explore my third reason. Since my first two reasons for being unconvinced will melt away if my third reason is proved to be unwarranted, it's this third reason that really needs to be tested. What does God's word say? Is it the will of God that pastors put him first, then their wives, then the kids and then the congregation? Is the thought that the pastor's ‘first congregation’ should be his family a biblical idea?

The list

a) Loving God first

To begin with, I'm keen to acknowledge that the ‘God first’ principle is utterly biblical. This is what the ‘evangelical priority list’ gets right. The Scriptures drip with God's unrelenting expectation that people worship him and him alone. The Ten Commandments enshrine Yahweh's jealousy for Old Testament Israel. Furthermore, Jesus makes it clear that new covenant people are under the same joyful obligation. He calls on us to “seek first the kingdom of God” (Matt 6:33a), and to be more loyal to him than to our fathers and mothers, sons and daughters (Matt 10:37). The Scriptures are unambiguous about the fact that real life consists of possessing a love for God and for his Son—a love that transcends and transforms all other loves.

b) Loving your family

Furthermore, it's not hard to show from the Scriptures that a Christian man (especially a Christian leader) should love his family. Indeed, Ephesians 5 suggests that a husband's love for his wife should be modelled on the extraordinary generosity and sacrifice of the love Christ has shown for his bride, the church (Eph 5:25-32). This is a tall order, but it is nevertheless a responsibility that rests on the shoulders of every Christian married man.

Yet in the New Testament, there are also particular expectations of Christian husbands who are also leaders in the church. In 1 Timothy 3, Timothy is instructed to select men to be overseers from within the Ephesian congregation. Specifically, he is to find men who manage their families well—the logic being that a man will be unable to manage the church of God if he can't manage his own home (1 Tim 3:1-7). Even deacons must manage their children and household well (1 Tim 3:11-12; cf. Titus 1:5-6). It is clear from the Pastoral Epistles that the home is the best training and testing ground for ministry that a man has. There is no doubt that a Christian leader or pastor must be faithful and careful in loving his wife and children.

c) Loving your congregation

At the same time, it is clear that a Christian leader or pastor must be faithful and careful in loving the sheep God has placed in his care. The parallels drawn between family and church in places like 1 Timothy 3 are suggestive of that. But we also have instructions like the one Paul gave the Ephesian elders in Acts 20:28: “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood”. The church of God has been purchased at great cost, and when God entrusts their oversight to under-shepherds, it's no small responsibility. The Apostle Peter issues a similar charge in his first epistle: “… shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly …” (1 Pet 5:2). The joyful care and service of God's sheep is a weighty but cheerful obligation.

Family or congregation?

But can these latter two responsibilities be prioritized? Is it consistent with the witness of the Scriptures to say that one should come before the other—that family ought to be first? I'm not sure it is. I don't think it says that anywhere in Scripture. What we have in the Bible are these two important obligations laid side by side: a Christian man who is also a Christian leader is responsible for loving his family and, at the same time, loving his church.

But these two responsibilities are not easily reducible to a simplistic formula. Those of us who are both pastors and husbands/fathers turn to the Scriptures and find that both of these serious privileges have been laid on our shoulders. Meeting the demands of each is a complex exercise and a constant juggling act. Yet, as I suggest, nowhere do we find the Bible simplifying this complexity.

Therefore I'm just not sure that the idea that the family is the pastor's ‘first congregation’ is biblical. I think this is because God knows how complex life is: he knows that it would be simplistic (and, perhaps, counterproductive) to offer a simple formula for steering a course through the complexities.

Let's look at an example. Suppose for a moment that the local church pastor has just arrived home from a long day of ministry. His wife is very glad he's there to help feed and bath the kids, and is looking forward to some quality time with him once the kids are in bed. Let's suppose that five minutes after he arrives home, his phone rings. The caller tells him that a member of the congregation has suddenly taken very ill and is up in the hospital. The congregation member's family has asked for him to come and be with them. What should he do?

Well, I don't think it's simple. It's complicated. No doubt at times like this, the pastor longs for a formula that would help him make this very difficult decision. But it seems to me that the Scriptures resist giving him one. Instead, he has to use his judgement to make the best decision he can possibly make. He is needed in both places; both his family at home and the family at the hospital have good reasons to expect something of him. He has responsibilities in both directions because he loves in both directions. It seems to me that this is the life of a pastor who has a family: his devotion is, in a real sense, divided (cf. 1 Cor 7:32-35).

There will be times in these sorts of situations when it's best for him to leave his family and head to the hospital. There will be times when it's best for him to stay at home with his family and tell the family at the hospital that he'll be up there first thing in the morning. A hundred similar examples could be given. In every one, the man who is pulled in multiple directions will need to pray, consult with others (especially his family), and do his best to make a wise choice. But in every scenario, it seems to me that the Scriptures will constrain him in both directions at once, without resorting to a formula that oversimplifies the multifaceted call of God upon his life.

Furthermore, I wonder if the ‘family first’ slogan smuggles into our theology the thought that there is some higher ‘belonging’ than belonging to the family of God, or that there is some fellowship more precious or sweet than the fellowship of God's people (of which our Christian families are a part). Do we really want to suggest something along those lines?

If I'm right about the Scriptures being resistant to oversimplification, then it's certainly very important that we're resistant to it too. If we're not, we run the risk of laying on ourselves or others a burden of confusion or guilt that we/they need not bear. If we're telling people that family should come first, then every time the pastor leaves the family home at night to attend to some important church business or need, surely he will experience a pang of conscience. If we're telling people that family should come first, then every family on the mission field that sends their children to boarding school must, by necessity, be racked with guilt (at worst), or feel very conflicted and confused (at best). But I'm not convinced that they should feel that, because I'm not convinced the Scriptures ask them to bear that burden.

Dangers

Some will protest at this point that rampant workaholism exists among evangelical leaders, and putting family first is a message that they really need to hear. I don't dispute that workaholism is a massive issue (it certainly is in my circles!). I think it does need to be addressed. If Christian pastors are neglecting their responsibilities as husbands and fathers, it is truly shameful, and they ought to repent deeply. But I'm just not sure that offering a simplistic and unbiblical exhortation is the solution to the problem. Will it really give us the help we feel we need? I doubt it. What's more, we're sinful creatures, so might it not be possible that, at the other end of the spectrum, the simplistic ‘family first’ formula could come to be used as an excuse for laziness in the service of the church?

In our sinfulness, those of us who are pastors need to be rescued from multiple dangers. We must avoid the trap of serving the household of God generously while failing in our precious duties as husbands and fathers. Yet we must also avoid the trap of serving in our homes faithfully while failing to give ourselves to our family in Christ—the family that has been bought with Christ's costly blood and given to us to watch over.

To that end, my conclusion is that God has intentionally laid before us both these responsibilities (and others besides), and has asked us to meet them both. He hasn't given us a clear priority list—as if one act of obedience is more important to him than another. So far be it from us to invent and broadcast a slogan that God has not deemed best for us.

Like many of us, I'm someone who, at times, wishes God had made it simpler. I find myself wishing this as I juggle the various responsibilities he has asked me to fulfil. Yet I trust his wisdom in what he has revealed of his purposes for me, and I seek to obey him in every respect. I seek to live the integrated life of love and holiness that his flawless word lays before me. I fail, of course—regularly. So I also count on his forgiveness and grace regularly. I am also strengthened wonderfully by his Spirit as he uses my fragile efforts to love both my church and my family. Chiefly, I rest humbly in the sovereign oversight of him who is the great shepherd of the sheep and the perfect husband and Father to my family—and to me.