Talking sex

Should Christians talk sex? Should preachers preach sex? There are compelling reasons why, despite the difficulty, the answer is ‘yes’.

I'm writing this article anonymously not because I am embarrassed about preaching on sex, or because there is something in particular to hide. I've preached on it many times and think it's important that we address the topic regularly. It's just that many people are embarrassed in preaching on the subject, and I would like to help others to address that difficulty, rather than find myself pigeon-holed as the preacher who will come and give a talk on the subject when your minister or women's worker feels the topic is too hot to handle. It is a hot topic, that's true; but that is just one more reason for addressing it head on from a biblical framework rather than avoiding it.

The decision to speak about this topic needs to hold two concerns to the fore. Firstly, we should preach on sex because it is a subject directly addressed in Scripture, and so needs to be taught as part of our response to the gospel of God. Secondly, we need to address matters of sex because of the pain people are experiencing. This is an area where people need the comfort, encouragement and rebuke of the word of God.

However, speaking on the topic is a difficult and sensitive task. I never find it easy, and I never enjoy speaking on it. Part of my personal difficulty is that I am aware of my own weakness and sinfulness in matters sexual. This will be true of all who teach on the subject, and we must acknowledge this as we speak. In fact, anyone who finds it easy to speak on this topic is either being shallow or has some other problem. It is not fun or easy, but it needs to be done. However, the way in which we acknowledge personal difficulties in these matters will depend on the audience and the occasion, as well as the topic. With this in mind, here are some further points to bear in mind.

1. Be honest.

We must be honest about ourselves, and we must be honest about the topic. Our honesty will be reflected and communicated as we speak clearly and bluntly, exposing the glossy lies of the evil one as presented in the unholy trinity of media, advertizing and pornography.

Such lies concerning sex just go on and on. As well as the false promises and hopes held out from secular and non-Christian sources and presented as truth, we must also confront a certain number of myths held by Christians. Some people believe, for example, that if they were married, life would be complete and wonderful. Others complain to themselves, “If only I were single and free, I would be happy”. You would imagine that lies such as these would cancel each other out. But unfortunately, different groups of people believe different sorts of lies. Possibly they need to get together and compare notes! Even better, they need to be addressed with what the Bible has to say on such matters.

2.Tell it like it is.

As we address these lies from the Bible's point of view, we should not be afraid to call a spade a spade—that is, saying clearly and straightforwardly what we know to be the case in people's experiences and life situations. Sometimes preachers are too gutless or too bland to say something that everyone knows. If the topic is temptation, then talk about TV shows which might be a problem and name them. Everyone knows that ‘Sex in the City’ and similar shows are on TV every week, so let's not ponce around and pretend they don't exist. The same goes for internet pornography, or magazines like Cleo, Ralph, New Weekly, or even the risqué ads that can be found in magazines in the doctor's waiting room. I don't mean we should ourselves be looking at these things; but we do need to acknowledge that they are there, and that some of the people we are speaking with will be all too familiar with them. Dave Andrew used to call this ‘putting the dead cat on the table’ or ‘acknowledging the elephant in the room’.

3. Address real people.

This is always important in public speaking, and no less so when it comes to sex. Don't ‘give a talk’ but ‘talk to people’. A boring monologue on sex or lust will not be believed. If the presenter is not living their material, so to speak, it will not seem real to anyone listening. The advice will seem artificial and unsympathetic, which is all the worse in an area where people are so often experiencing shame and guilt. For that reason, we need to show our hearts in this and our hearts should be warm and beating, not frozen.

4. Obedience to God means trust in action.

Christians live differently in the matter of sexual ethics not because we are by nature better people or, as some might think, in a separate class as if we were from another planet. We live this way because we trust our Lord Jesus to look after us, rather than simply living by a set of sexual rules. Legalism is useless in every area, no more so than when we are dealing with the strong passions of sexual temptation.

5. Have a question time.

It is always good to have a question time after speaking on this topic, whether it be live questions, or inviting people to write out questions before the talk. It makes it a spontaneous event, not just a pre-packaged presentation.

Over 15 or more years, I have spoken to mixed groups, single sex groups (men only), and people of all ages from adults to teens. I have spoken on the topics of sex, pornography, lust, and masturbation. I've answered questions on things that I will not mention here, and spoken about going out with non-Christians, dating practice, pre-marital physical involvement and divorce. I am slightly embarrassed that in some quarters I am now recognized as a leading denominational expert on lust and masturbation!

However, what keeps me speaking on this topic is knowing how important it is from a biblical and cultural point of view, and having that reinforced by the many people who have come to me afterwards, thanked me for speaking on this and released them in some way to be able to speak to others about their struggles.