Love, sex and romance: Sexual purity for every woman

A few years ago our women’s discussion group asked a friend to talk about sex within marriage. Some­­one brought a cake, and I remember lots of laughter—perhaps a little too much!—as we chatted about how to love our husbands sexually. The discussion leader answered our questions honestly and helpfully, but when someone asked about masturbation, she said, “I’d have to ask a guy that one”. The question this raised for me was, “Why? Is this really only an issue for men?”

The struggle women don’t talk about

A woman’s struggle for sexual purity is often invisible. As many as one in five Christian women use pornography, and at least nine out of ten married women will be attracted to someone who’s not their husband,[1. From an online Christian survey, with results confirmed in churches, (Tim Chester, Captured by a better vision: Living porn-free, IVP, Nottingham, 2010, pp. 11-12), and an informal survey at a women’s conference (Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, Waterbrook Press, Colarado Springs, 1999, p. 92).] but women who face sexual temptation often feel very alone. Women are great at talking, but we can find it hard to talk about sexual sin even with a close friend; for once, Christian men are far more willing to share their struggles. When we keep quiet, others keep quiet too, and so we cut ourselves off from accountability, prayer and encouragement. The Bible is far less coy about women’s sexuality than we are. God assumes women have sexual desires (1 Cor 7:1-6). He assures us, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to [wo]man”, and he tells us to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another” (1 Cor 10:13; Jas 5:16). He even gives women a specific command to encourage each other in purity in Titus 2:3-5! So why don’t women talk about sexual sin? I think there are two main reasons.

a) We think other women don’t struggle the way we do

There’s a myth that lust is a man’s problem. For men, the struggle with lust can feel like a secret badge of manhood, but for women, sexual temptation has no redeeming features; the woman who sins sexually may feel unfeminine as well as guilty. It’s especially hard for women to share their struggles when they battle homosexual feelings or seemingly ‘male’ weaknesses like pornography, sexual fantasies and masturbation. Some sins may feel too private to be confessed, like the common tendency of married women to fantasize during sex to increase arousal or hurry orgasm. Sexual issues that spring from someone else’s sin—a father’s abuse, a husband’s betrayal—can be particularly difficult to talk about because of the deep hurt involved. Whatever your struggle, you can be certain that thousands of other women struggle like you do. You are not alone.

b) We don’t recognize our sexual sin because it looks different to male sin

Another reason women don’t talk about sexual temptation is that we may not recognize it. Here’s a classic picture of lust: man sees woman; man undresses woman in his mind; man imagines having sex with woman. The 25 per cent of women who identify themselves as ‘visual’ can perhaps relate to this kind of temptation,[2. Shaunti Felhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, Multnomah Books, Atlanta, 2004, p. 112.] but women are generally tempted differently to men.[3. These are generalizations, so there will be exceptions.]

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• Men tend to be aroused visually, women through touch and hearing.
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• Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.
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• Men usually initiate and women respond; men are excited by pursuit, women by being pursued.
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• Men are tempted by the pleasure of lust, women by the power of lust.
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• Men are often motivated by physical desires, women by emotional and relational longings.

A woman’s sexual sin may not resemble a man’s, but it’s no less serious. Women who aren’t drawn to pornography may escape into romantic movies or steamy novels that encourage fantasies about being romanced by the man of their dreams. Immodest dress, flirtatious glances and seductive body language designed to attract male attention are just as ungodly as the lustful thoughts they provoke. It’s not only sinful to give your body to the wrong person, but also to refuse to give it generously to your husband (1 Cor 7:1-5).[4. Sexual issues within marriage can be complex; please seek help if you’re having sexual difficulties.] Adultery can be emotional as well as physical: it begins with dissatisfaction with your husband and longing for someone who’ll love you better, and expresses itself in emotional attachment to another man. Until we recognize our sin, we’re fighting blind.

The heart of change

Sexual sin is a terrible thing. It takes one of God’s glorious gifts—the holy act of sex in marriage, created to reflect the union of Christ and his bride, the church—and twists and distorts it (Gen 2:18-25; Eph 5:28-32). It’s enslaving and progressive, for lust is greedy. We think if we give in just once, the craving will go away, but every time we yield, sexual sin grows in power and depravity (Rom 1:24-32; Eph 4:17-19 cf. 5:5; Col 3:5).[5. On the link between sexual immorality, idolatry and greed see Christopher Ash,Marriage: Sex in the service of God, IVP, Leicester, 2003, pp. 153-156.] Lust is deadly; it destroys bodies, children, marriages, relationships and society (Prov 2:16-19; Rom 1:24-32). God’s word is clear: those who live in sexual sin “will not inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor 6:9-10 cf. Gal 5:19-21; Eph 5:5). Why do women sin sexually? Isn’t it because we believe the lie that our heart’s longings can be met by something other than God? We go from one boyfriend to another to find the love we long for. We indulge in fantasies to escape harsh reality. We pursue emotional intimacy with a man we’re not married to because it makes us feel good about ourselves. Sexual sin begins with the heart’s betrayal, when we turn our backs on God to devote ourselves to love, sex or romance: idols that leave us empty and broken, and that grieve God and invite his jealous anger (Isa 55:1-2; Jer 2:13; Mark 7:20-23; Rom 1:18-25; Jas 4:1-10). Are you feeling worse than ever about your sin? I hope so! Until we see the desperation of our situation, we’ll never change. It’s been tempting to write this article as a list of problems and solutions—and yes, such guidelines have their place—but if that’s all I did, it would be like handing you a toothpick and telling you to hold back the tide. How can we possibly overcome something as power­ful and destructive as sexual sin?

a) Changed by the cross

Imagine you’re mentoring a young woman, and she confesses she’s been viewing pornography or reading romance novels and masturbating.[6. The Bible doesn’t directly address masturbation, but I’m convinced it’s generally sinful because: it takes sexual arousal and release out of marriage and selfishly turns it inwards; can create more sexual problems than it solves; is enslaving and progressive; and, most importantly, is almost always preceded or accompanied by sinful fantasies. See Chester, pp. 104-106 and Joshua Harris, Sex Is Not The Problem (Lust Is), Multnomah Books, New York, 2003, ch. 6.] What would you say? Would you suggest getting rid of her novels, or putting the computer in a public room and using an accountability program?[7. One useful program is Covenant Eyes http://www.covenanteyes.com/.] While these are helpful precautions, no set of rules can prevent sin (Col 2:20-23). Let’s look at how the apostle Paul responds to sexual sin. His letters to the Corinthians are written to the most sexually depraved church on the planet: a man is sleeping with his step-mother, and they’re proud! What would you say? Gordon Cheng suggests we might be tempted to say something like this: “Now, about prostitutes: stop visiting them. And while you’re about it, stop downloading porn onto your hard drive … Here’s a link to a downloadable anti-pornography program that will help. Now get on with living the right way!"[8. Gordon Cheng, ‘Sexual immorality: Some thoughts from Corinth’, Purity in the Age of Porn (Matthias Minizine), Matthias Media, Sydney, 2009, pp. 11.] Instead, Paul reminds the Corinthians of three things: what they were, what happened, and what they’ve become. Like us, they were a depraved bunch—idolaters, swindlers, adulterers, drunkards, thieves, and homosexual offenders—but something amazing happened: they were washed (cleansed from guilt), sanctified (set apart for God) and justified (made right with God) through Christ by the Spirit. They are members of Christ, one with the Lord, the temple of his Spirit, and they look forward to the day when their bodies, bought with Christ’s precious blood, will be raised to eternal life. How can they possibly use these same bodies for sexual sin? (1 Cor 6:9-20) The woman who struggles with sexual sin needs to be reminded of the gospel. If I give her a list of rules, either she’d keep them and become proud, or she’d fail and despair. Instead, I take her back to the cross and remind her that she’s pure in God’s eyes, forgiven and made new, and that his Spirit is working in her to make her like Christ, however often and terribly she fails. Change is both possible and inevitable, for God’s purposes never fail (Phil 1:6).

b) Living in response to the cross

Change flows from the cross. How can we even think about giving ourselves to sexual sin when God has rescued us from its helpless slavery, bought us at such great price, and brought us into loving intimacy with his Son?[9. 1 Cor 6:9-20 cf. Rom 13:11-14; Gal 5:16-26; Eph 4:17-5:20; Col 3:1-17; 1 Pet 4:1-8.] We change in response to the cross the same way we came to Christ: by looking to Jesus in faith, and by turning from sin and to God in repentance (Col 3:1-14; Eph 4:21-24 cf. Mark 1:15). God’s grace gives us a new motive and power, and a new standard and goal for fighting sexual sin. Look to Jesus (a new motive and power: grace not rules) I’ve learned that when I feel utterly defeated by sin, I don’t need a better plan or greater willpower; I need to flee to the cross, ask for forgiveness, and, reminded of God’s grace, go forward in obedience, confident that God is working in me. In my best and worst moments, it’s time to preach the gospel to myself again. As I dwell on the grace and glory of Christ, the idols of love, sex and romance begin to lose their appeal. Put off sin (a new standard: not “how far?” but “not even a hint”) The most common question young women ask about purity is, “How far can I go with my boyfriend?” It’s the question we all have: “How much can I get away with?” One reason we fail is that our standards are so much lower than God’s. Paul tells us to avoid “even a hint of sexual immorality” and to treat others with “absolute purity” (Eph 5:3; 1 Tim 5:2 NIV). Until we set our standards this high—every thought, every word, every touch, every moment—we’ll never be sexually pure. We need to say “no” the instant an impure thought enters our mind, a crude comment springs to our lips, an unhelpful image appears on the TV, or we begin to feel aroused by a boyfriend’s hug.[10. Sexual arousal is for marriage; even holding hands can be unwise if it leads to arousal or opens the door to sin. Until the day you’re married, your bodies don’t belong to one another (1 Cor 7).] We ask “How far?”; God says “No far.” Dance near the edge of the cliff, and you’ll soon fall off. Put on godliness (a new goal: love not restrictions) Sexual purity isn’t just about turning from sin; it’s about pursuing qualities like these (1 Cor 7:1-7; Eph 5:1-6; 1 Thess 4:1-10; 1 Pet 4:1-8):

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• brotherly love (treating all men as brothers rather than favouring one over another)
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• married love (giving myself emotionally and sexually to my husband)[11. A great book to help with this is Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.]
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• self-control (using my body to honour God instead of being captive to desire)
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• thankfulness (the antidote to discontent, greedy lust and coarse words).

When I stop seeing men as potential suitors and start seeing them as brothers in Christ, I won’t resent restrictions like the need to dress modestly; love will transform the way I dress, act and speak.[12. See chapter 6 of Carolyn McCulley, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?, Crossway Books, Wheaton, 2004.] God’s ways are good, and they promise so much more than lust.

A personal plan

Your struggle with sexual sin is unique, so it’s important to develop a personal plan for overcoming sin, or you’ll be defeated by the same temptation again and again.[13. See Harris, ch. 4.] Here are some examples of how you might apply biblical principles to your situation:

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• Don’t think you’re immune from sexual temptation (1 Cor 10:12). Establish wise boundaries: for example, don’t talk with a man out of eyesight or earshot of others, avoid personal online communication with men, and steer clear of private places with your boyfriend.[14. See chapter 11 of Mary Kassian, Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild, Moody Publishers, Chicago, 2010.]
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• Cut temptation out of your life (Matt 5:27-30). If love music, romantic movies or novels are encouraging you to be dissatisfied with your singleness or unhappy with your husband, perhaps it’s time to give them up.
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• Fill your mind with God’s word (Ps 119:9, 11; Phil 4:8). When impure thoughts enter your head, repeat a Bible passage so there’s no room for sin. If you’re married, get to know the Song of Solomon and bring it to mind when you’re feeling unenthusiastic or your thoughts stray during sex with your husband.
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• Confess your sin to one another and bear each others’ burdens (Jas 5:16; Gal 6:1-2). Tell a godly woman about your sin so she can pray for you and encourage you in godliness. If you’re married, confess your sin first to your husband; be honest, but tell the more hurtful details to a woman.

Here are four steps you can take to create a personal plan to fight sexual sin:

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1. Choose one or two struggles (not too many at once!) and observe how you’re tempted, perhaps using a journal. Who are you with at the time? Where are you? What are you watching, reading or listening to? What mood are you in; are you lonely, angry, or anxious?
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2. Identify the root of your sin. What lies are you believing: for example, that you can’t trust God to meet your needs? What idols are you pursuing, such as love, pleasure or power? Write down the truths about God and the gospel you’ll turn to in faith, and the attitudes and actions you’ll put off and put on in repentance.[15. See Tim Chester, You Can Change, IVP, Nottingham, 2008, and Chester, Captured, ch. 2.]
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3. List some specific steps to support change: boundaries that guard against sin, temptations to cut out of your life, and a plan of attack for next time you’re tempted (What will you do? Where will you go? Who will you call?).
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4. Confess the specifics of your sin to a mature Christian friend or mentor, ask her to regularly check how you’re going, and organize to call or text her next time you’re tempted so she can pray for you.

A word to men

This article wouldn’t be complete without a word to men about supporting your Christian sisters in their fight for purity. Just as we can do a lot to help you by the way we dress and act, you can do a lot to help us! Most women are aroused relationally rather than visually: much can be read into an intimate conversation or a shared time of prayer. Be relaxed around women and treat them as sisters, but avoid ambiguous signals: the lingering gaze, the sympathetic touch, self-revealing words. Remember some women are aroused visually; put away those tops designed to show off your muscles! If you’re going out with or engaged to someone, lead her and protect her purity by not pursuing her sexually until you’re married. Please keep yourself from pornography: this matters desperately to the women abused by the sex industry and to your present or future wife.[16. See Chester, Captured, ch.1 and Mark Driscoll, Porn Again Christian, http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/.] Finally, thank you for fighting to stay pure; women have some inkling of how tough it is for men to be godly in our society, and we’re grateful for how you love us by keeping yourselves pure.

Getting the conversation going

How can we encourage women to talk about sexual purity? Here are some ideas. If you teach the Bible, talk about sexual temptation, and acknowledge women struggle with issues like pornography and masturbation; these are increasing problems for young women, and we’re missing the mark if we don’t address them. When you mentor someone, ask about her use of pornography or romance novels, her sexual involvement with her boyfriend, or whether she’s loving her husband sexually. Confess your struggles, but take care: a good guide is to “Tell everyone you struggle; tell some people what you’re struggling with”. [17. Chester, Captured, p. 120.] If you’re in a prayer partnership, agree to ask one another specific questions about purity and pray for each other. I don’t know how powerful your temptations are. I don’t know the strength of your desire for the wrong man, your longing to be finished with singleness, or your obsession with pornography. So I say to you, as I say to myself: run! Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction (1 Cor 6:18 cf. Gen 39:11-12). Don’t imagine you’re strong enough to resist temptation. Don’t take another step towards sin: take the way of escape God promises you (1 Cor 10:13). Honestly and humbly seek help from a mature Christian woman. Pack your mind full of God’s word so there’s no room for impurity, and turn from the lies and promises of sexual sin to God’s abundant goodness. If you fall, ask for God’s forgiveness; and if you fall again, ask for it again, and go on. When you have done everything, and everything has failed, cry out to God for grace. You’re already pure in God’s eyes, and he’s making you like his Son; so persevere in the life-long battle for purity, confident that God will finish his work in you.