How to build real community in your growth group

How is your growth group going so far this year? Maybe you’re in the same group you attended last year. Maybe you’re in a new group. Maybe you’re a bit nervous: you know these people, of course; they go to your church, you know their names, their families, what they do for a living. But you don’t really know these people—not beyond Sunday morning pleasantries. Do you like them? Do they like you? What’s it going to be like, seeing them week after week, month after month? More importantly, are these the sort of people you can trust and come to for prayer?

If you’ve been a Christian for a significant length of time, you’ve probably experienced the full spectrum of different growth groups. You may have attended groups with inexperienced leaders or groups where particular members derailed the discussion into pointless arguments week after week. You may have been in groups where members didn’t bother to show up half the time. Or worse: you may have been in groups where you met with the same set of people, week after week, but then at the end of the year you still hadn’t really gotten to know them.

You may have also been in groups where the leaders have been godly, faithful and gentle in their shepherding. You may have been in groups where the members genuinely cared about one another and how each person is doing. You may have greatly benefitted from wrestling with the Scriptures with these people, doing the hard yards of thinking, praying and meditating on God’s word.

So how can you help to make your growth group more like the latter and less like the former? How can you create and nurture a group environment where these is true intimacy, understanding, empathy and, of course, Christian growth? In short, how do you build community?

Now, I don’t mean building community for the sake of community. Feeling like you’re part of a group of people who get you, love and support you is fantastic, but that’s not what growth groups are about. As Col Marshall says, “If community is the goal, the small group has become the end rather than the means” (Growth Groups, p. 28). No, the point of growth groups is Christian growth. But it’s growth in community, not just as individuals (Heb 10:23-25). So growth group is not just about building relationships. It’s not just about solving people’s problems. It’s not just about fostering love and belonging. It’s about growing together as Christians living this side of Jesus’ return.

That said, how do you build community in your growth group? I am speaking not just to leaders, but to all group members. Here are a few things to bear in mind, as well as a few things to try.

1. Remember that Christian community is far from perfect

This may seem blindingly obvious, but sometimes our expectations need to be tweaked to match reality. All growth groups are comprised of sinners—redeemed sinners, but sinners nonetheless. So expect people to rub you up the wrong way. Expect that you will misunderstand one another more than you understand one another—at least at first. Expect that, as you journey through the year together, there will be things about other people that will niggle at you, just as there will be things about you will niggle others. That guy may struggle with workaholism; that girl may struggle with perfectionism and people-pleasing; but you struggle with your hot temper. You’re all a bunch of misfits and derelicts, but you’re a bunch of Christian misfits and derelicts, and you’re walking the Christian walk together. So be kind and understanding of one another, and don’t expect perfection.

2. Remember that getting to know people is hard work that takes time

The truth is, you’re not going to be besties with your growth group straight off the bat, so don’t expect to be. It takes time and effort to get to know people—particularly people with whom you have little in common. But the one thing that you should all have in common is Christ, so focus on that. Ask people how they became a Christian. Ask them what God has been teaching them lately. Commit their concerns to prayer.

Above all, remain interested in this particular group of people for no other reason than that they are in your growth group and these are the people you are journeying with at the moment. Pay attention to what they say and why they say it—how they answer questions during Bible Study, the points they raise for prayer, the things they talk about during the less formal parts of the meeting. As the weeks go by, hopefully you will build up a picture of how you can love and serve them. That’s what investing in this relationship will look like.

3. Be honest

There’s nothing like honesty for cultivating intimacy and trust. I don’t mean oversharing. I mean just being real—saying so when you don’t understand something, not trying to cover up your weaknesses, and sharing your struggles in an appropriate manner. (Trust me: everyone has struggles. It’s part of being human.) It helps create a culture of honesty, as well as a safe space in which people feel like they don’t have to hide. And if people feel like they can trust their real selves with other people, that strengthens the group’s relationships.

4. Get comfortable with disagreement

Disagreement can often feel uncomfortable because, generally speaking, Christians are polite people who like to get along with one another. But disagreement is a good thing: it helps us see things from different points of view. It helps us debate ideas and wrestle with the Scriptures. It’s not good if it ends up derailing entire studies and fracturing groups, but it can be an excellent way of helping people work out what the Bible really says about something, and therefore what they should think and do. In a way, growth groups are the best contexts for disagreement because they create safe spaces in which to express alternate viewpoints without being judged, and road test opinions that haven’t been fully formed yet. So where possible, lend appropriate space to disagreement.

5. Serve one another

Christians are called to serve one another (1 Pet 4:7-10), and in a lot of ways the growth group is in a unique position to do that. You can accomplish a lot more in teams than as individuals. I’ve seen growth groups coordinate meal rosters for families of newborns, provide lifts to less mobile group members, bring cakes to celebrate people’s birthdays, and arrange for gifts and cards for members who are moving away. I’ve also seen groups serve the wider church community by helping with setup or pack-up for particular events, running evangelistic or pre-evangelistic activities, and taking care of the post-Sunday service catering. Not only is this sort of service a valuable thing in its own right, the group also gains that bonding experience of getting their hands dirty side-by-side.

6. Extend the relationships beyond the group

Growth group and church happen once a week. But there’s no reason why you can’t get together with your fellow group members at other times—for example, for a restaurant dinner or a movie outing, or virtually through social media groups. (NB: This only works if everyone in your group is into social media.) Nor do you need to meet with the entire group; in fact, it may be more helpful to do things one-on-one or in smaller groups. Reading the Bible and praying together with someone of the same gender as you is always mutually encouraging and helpful. But you could also arrange coffee playdates with children in tow, become exercise buddies, or attend events of common interest together. As I said in my second point, relationships are hard work and take time. So invest the time.

7. If you’re a leader, model, model, model

Leaders have an enormous impact on their groups, often setting the culture and expectations for the group. If you’re a leader, recognize the influence you have and try to model the sort of behaviour you want group members to exhibit. Take the time to get to know your flock and encourage them to get to know one another. Be honest in your leadership—especially when sharing prayer points: make sure to ask for prayer for yourself, not just for others around you, because your group needs to see that you’re a sinful human being too. Create prime conditions for helpful disagreement. Lead in serving, but also encourage people to serve one another so that you’re not stuck doing everything. Be more than just a group leader who leads during group time; be a brother or sister in Christ to the people in your group.

Every time you meet, you have an opportunity to improve your community. Plan to do so and enjoy being God’s people growing together.